I remember 25 years ago, I was looking for more sustained, deeper connections to people when I found a book by M. Scott Peck called "The Different Drum: Community Making and Peace" that offered a vision of community and connection. A few men announced an effort to create a men's center in Columbia, and I attended the meeting, hoping to find a small group. That's what happened. We've met twice a month in our homes or around a campfire in warmer weather. It is a sacred space.

A circle of men 

I began to learn the power of just listening. To wait to speak. To allow silence. To sit with anger, grief, and fear without judgment, and to celebrate joy. I was surprised when a man told me "I thought about what you said last time." I had been heard, remembered, and what I said mattered to another man. I learned that being thoughtful, waiting, then speaking concisely was a powerful act. I learned the language of emotion – the vocabulary as well as the language of the body.

A training adventure

We all eventually attended a weekend-long New Warrior Training Adventure sponsored by The ManKind Project where we learned to go deeper, find more courage and emotional clarity, and gain lifelong tools to be better fathers, husbands, sons, and men. Our bimonthly meetings put those insights and tools to use. We joined groups of 40 to 50 other volunteers from time to time to offer that training to new men looking for meaning, purpose, or healing.

Role models 

Men modeled beautiful relationships to their wives or partners, to their children, and to each other. Men taught me how much their wives had taught them, and how they'd grown closer, wiser, and more loving. Men shared their fears, their disappointments, their shame. We also celebrated our successes large and small. Small successes came in the form of a "stretch": something I know I need to do, can do, can describe clearly, but might not do unless I promise to the group that I'll try. And I'll report back when we meet again. I know I won't be shamed for failing, but will be asked "What did you do instead that you considered more important? Is this a pattern? Is this something you want to change?"

Being known 

Over the years, we shared chapters of our struggles of being a father, a husband, a son. Over time, these men came to know my stories and experiences deeply. In 10 minutes I could tell of the latest concern, and they already knew years, sometimes decades, of backstory. They knew my strengths, my weaknesses, and could see what I could not. They spoke the truth that might support or challenge me, but always toward more accountability, authenticity, honesty, and emotional awareness. We all carry imperfections. I have a list of theirs, and I'm sure they have a list of mine, perhaps even longer. The imperfections make us richer, more compassionate, and stronger healers who share that wound.

If this sounds appealing to you as a man, or valuable to a man you know (if you're a woman), let me know.